


The hellfire called love

by septembersnotes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Freeform, Sort Of, Time Loop Theory, his last moments, its just me and my silly little emotions, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29866851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septembersnotes/pseuds/septembersnotes
Summary: I hold us together, our lives, our pitiful youth, our days under the sun- shard by shard.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	The hellfire called love

**Author's Note:**

> listening to 'weight of the world', from nier: automata along with 'chemtrails under the country club' by lana del rey is recommended.

Dauntless was her descent into the ringfire where he laid, bare and filled part life, part despair.

Light had peeked in through the cracks, gold slithering into the muscles of him that enclosed the two of them. Warm, yet bitingly reminiscent of the one last moment of peace time had allowed them, almost a decade ago, before it all began to unfold.

Approaching him with now silent steps, kneeling before her broken world, she turned into a child once more. 

It was a warm day, quite a rare occurrence for springtime where they lived. Buttered sunlight shone down across the green expanse in all its glory, and the wind filled herself with songs of children from nearby, collecting wood, just like them. 

He had taken solace under the willow, a boy no more than ten, angry and biting, yet tender in his own way. He’d tell her of days of adventure with Armin, and she would listen to him talk about the world with marvel in her eyes. She did not know happiness was a commodity she could afford once more after her parents bled out in front of her. 

_But what was happiness anyways?_

She did not know the answer to that. He once said happiness for him was having an absence of restraint; freedom. To run out into the ocean and the deserts and everything from Armin's book with her and be lost in the moment of ecstasy forever, that was his happiness, the end goal. 

For her? She would halt in her answer, words and intangible thoughts making her reply difficult to articulate. She had mulled over the question at dinner the night earlier and came to the conclusion that she did not know, much to his ire. Yet, as he walked away to collect wood, she realized that the walk from their house to here held a weight she couldn’t explain but never wanted to forget, the same sensation overtook her when they ran, hand in hand in the busy markets of the outer wall, watching him eat his soup and gushing over the scouts, or going flower picking with her. 

Perhaps in those banal moments, there was happiness hidden, like a mischievous cat staring at you with a knowing look you couldn’t decipher until years later when you finally understood that happiness isn’t something you chase, it’s something that’s always been there, tucked in, unknowing, yet everpresent, mocking you with an oracular gaze as you search for it for years. 

_Until it’s too late._

Whenever she saw him, daylight filled her vision and safety engulfed her in a warm embrace. A net of love, never reaching, but always there for her, if she falls. Happiness was a net of love never letting you free fall into the darkness. 

Padding through the pale, overgrown grass of Maria, still short of a few sticks to fill her crate. She turned her gaze towards the sight in front of her.

The willow under which he laid, seemed to tilt towards her.

 _Come,_ it whispered.

_Come and look._

Overtaken and automatic, her pace quickened as she approached his sleeping figure, a faint tingle in her mind telling her to run. 

Careful to not wake the boy, once his form was visible, she quieted down. Wondering why her mind went into delirium out of the blue.

It was him, clad in a dark cardigan, splayed out slightly, one arm over his eyes, with sunlight flickering on his face erratically, olive skin turning gold with the areas the light hit gently.

She paused, tilting her head as she came closer to inspect the glistening tears pooling under his arm, his face unnaturally slack.

_He was crying._

Not the first time she saw him like that, but an eerie silence haunted the air around them for a moment, cold and dreadful, as if someone was watching from afar before warmth overtook it again. 

She wanted to reach out, and hold his head, whispering a _‘what’s wrong?’_ as he poured it all to her, but all she could do was kneel before him, and stare in silent concern, not wanting to scare him.

His eyes shot open and he started with a gasp. Brilliant bright eyes that rivaled the finest of jewels she saw the interior nobles wear once darted around in a panic, aged, knowing, and frightened. They fixed on her with an uncharacteristic look, part surprise, part sadness, before dissolving into the childish light they usually carried. He breathed as if robbed of life and lunged hard enough to bump into her slightly. The flowers around the two of them danced fervently with the wind. 

_Why are you crying? What bothers you? Did you dream of something horrific? Tell me, please. It pains me to see you like this. Tell me, I want to share your pain._

Instead, she says, 

“We need to head back.” 

He looked at her, stupefied before his gaze fixed on her hair.

 _“Longer.”_ He whispered, seemingly to himself.

The girl looked at him with confusion.

“When did it get this long? Your hair.” He muttered, confused at his own declaration. 

_What am i saying, she's always had long hair._

She responded with what she considered her own form of a verbal jab, gently helping him sit up as she sat beside him, The birds chirped and she felt that same lightweight feeling engulf her again. 

“Do you think dreams mean anything?” he speaks after a few minutes, plucking the violet-colored flower that bloomed around him.  
“Huh?”  
“I had a long dream.” He looked up to the blue sky, hidden under the layers of leaves.  
“Do you remember it?” She asked.  
“No.”  
“But I’m not sure if I want to.” He yawned as he rested his head on her shoulder. Her scarf hiding her brilliant red flush. 

The skies would turn a dusty orange soon enough, and they’d have to leave this place, their paradise. But she reckoned, a moment like this, with soft winds, warm light, gentle snores, and the sound of a river flowing nearby, just might be worth a light chide from his mother when they return. 

A moment out of time, just for them, continually playing and replaying. Until the rest of the world burns away. 

“We are nothing if we don’t remember, Eren. Our memories, the good and the bad, is what makes us who we are.” She whispered to his sleeping form. 

_Remembrance is all that we are._

_Remember_

_Please._

_Remember me._

“Forget me, Mikasa. Forget me and live.” He looked at her, with eyes dimmed with light. 

Dimming and dimming and _dimming,_

“You always expect me to do impossible things.” The cavity moved as if wanting to reach for her and to push her away at the same time. 

With her calloused, bloodied hands, she held a lock of his hair as she stared right into him, into his soul, he was barely there.

She called out his name, ignoring the thunder spear that just exploded outside.

“I never told you how your hair looked like short.” He’s smiling weakly, and acid threatens to leak out of her eyes, just like it did many moons ago.  
“Tell me now.” She matched his pained smile. 

“It suits you.” _You look beautiful._

“Eren.” She gulps, she knows he’s slipping away, away from her reach, to somewhere she can’t follow.  
Her heart thrashes around, bloodied and raw from pain, aching to feel, share even a sliver of his pain. To hold him from death’s grasp, to save him, the way he saved her all those years ago. 

Eren holds her scarf in her hand, her safety net, and slowly places it on her neck with his hand. She watches in silence.

Just as his hand is about to leave, she grasps it, firm and resolute. 

“Eren, listen.” Tears leak out against her will, and she holds his rough hand against her marred cheek.

“I can’t tell you the way I feel about you with boxed words like _‘love’_ or _‘hate’_.” It’s getting dark inside the cavity, he’s going. 

“But when you asked me that night, all those months ago, I wanted to tell you of this.” 

“When I see you, I see light. I see all I've ever wanted in my life in you, I see you and I see everything I ever imagined wanting, needing. I see us as children, playing race with Armin, flower picking with you and I feel happy, I know I'm happy when I'm with you.” She cries into his palm, bloodied and bruised as she shuts her eyes.

“You’re my everything, Eren.” 

_The good and the bad._  
_The serene, buttered sunlight, surrounded by flowers._  
_The bloodied battlefield, tables, and screams of hatred._  
_Heaven, hell._  
_Angel, devil._  
_Paradise, despair._

_I hold us together, our lives, our pitiful youth, shard by shard._

“Mi..ka..sa..” he calls out tiredly, and she goes in to crash her body against his.

_myworldmyworldmybeautifulcruelworld._

There’s no unstopping this, it was dictated from the start.

Everything, including them, was meant to fall apart.

Still, they chose to live, still, they chose to love. 

For the hell of it all, for freedom, for happiness, for _them._

“I’m sorry, for everything.” He voiced out, broken and whimpering.  
She looks into his eyes once more, they hold a flicker of light, distant yet near, pained but loving, and kissed him softly. 

_I fashioned a dagger from our memories and plunged into the dark._

_This cruel world gave me the pleasure of knowing you, and that was beautiful enough for me. That was happiness enough for me._

A gentle breeze ran around them.

“Sleep, eren.”

“I’ll be there when you wake, sleep." _my love._ His breathing slowed down, as his eyes slowly flickered shut. 

In his final moments of consciousness, surrounded by red and bombs and _her_ , he felt peace as he fell into slumber. Floating and light, he wondered if a world devoid of his sins could ever exist. 

_"May we meet again."_ She whispered, smiling with all that she had left in her, channeling all the moments of light she felt with him into it, towards him. 

The same winds that took him away, beckoned her home, as she cradled his head in her arms.

Bereft and forlorn, it quieted down in the end, like his heart.

_See you later, Eren._

The cavity went dark.


End file.
